Dandoval's mission: To lead a one-man, firsthand investigation into Chengdu's finest (read: nasty! nasty! nasty!) fast-food establishments over the course of several months. At each "restaurant" he will eat three items: the current promotion item, one of his choosing, and one hand-picked by the sadistic editorial staff of CHENGDOO.

Round 17: Master Kang Chef's Table 康师傅私房牛肉面
Having conquered China's packaged-food industry with a smorgasbord of tea and juice drinks, instant noodles, and all sorts of other semi-foodstuff you can find in your local Hongqi or Wowo and similar shops across the country, Master Kang has recently ventured into the restaurant industry. Beef noodles, curry, desserts, drinks, cold vegetable sides, wontons, and so forth fill the quasi-bilingual picture menu. Dish names like "Extremely Spicy Beef Noodle," "Glamorous Spicy Beef Noodle," and "Vegetable Pickled by Llactobacillus" [sic] are accompanied by descriptions in classic Chinglish: "With 4-one sided made of wheat, heart, face white and soft body, taste somersault to wheat can eat sweet."

Test subject #1
暖胃咖喱牛肉饭附清炖鸡汤

Stomach-Warming Beef Curry and Rice with Chicken Soup
Dan's Choice | RMB26
Components: Potato, meat, carrot and curry sauce with sides of bok choy, lemon, and sesame seed-sprinkled rice

Flavor ●●●●●●●●○○
It's good. It's like a regular, mild curry, but it works well. It's a very decent flavor, very edible. It's got a little huoguo flavor. The rice is well-prepared.

Texture ●●●●●●●○○○
The meat's really tender, but the curry's not very thick. It's watery and thin.

Apparent nutrition ●●●○○○○○○○
Not very high. Can't be too healthy. I feel like it's the equivalent of fast-food curry.

Greasiness factor ●●●●●●○○○○
Oh, it's greasy. There's a pool of oil at the bottom of the curry.

Would you eat it again?
Yes. But for RMB26, I'd rather go to Cacaja.

Test subject #2
红烧牛腱干拌面
Beef Tendon Dry Noodle
Our choice | RMB20
Components: Noodles, a little bit of meat, cilantro sauce

Flavor ●●●●●○○○○○
Interesting. It has a bit of peanut flavor. It's not your typical noodle flavor. It's not good, not bad. Very ordinary. Boring. I'm gonna go deeper in and see if the sauce flavor changes. Nope. Didn't change anything.

Texture ●●●●●●●●●○
The texture is really good; tastes more like homemade noodles—a little stickier than commercial noodles.

Apparent nutrition ●●●●●○○○○○
It can't be too unhealthy—it's noodles.

Greasiness factor ●●●○○○○○○○
Not too bad—there's a little bit of oil.

Would you eat it again?
Yes. It's a good filling bowl—maybe not enough for dinner, but it's a good lunch.

Test subject #3
酸菜拌卤味
Pickles and Tripe

Promotional Item | RMB5
Components: Intestine, bricks of fat, pickled peppers, paocai

Flavor ●●●●●●○○○○
A little bit sweet, interestingly. I don't know how to describe that flavor, actually.

Texture ●●●●●●○○○○
It's got little veins of fat in it, but most of the meat seems to be meat. There are large areas of non-meat.

Apparent nutrition ●●●○○○○○○○
Low. Greasy, fatty. I don't know how good intestines are for you but I don't think they can be that great.

Greasiness factor ●●●●●●●●○○
Very greasy. It's covered in grease.

Would you eat it again?
Nah. It's an OK side dish, but not worth eating again. If it were porn, it'd be a good porn Web site, but not a movie. Good supporting actor, not a lead.

Final Verdict
"Hands-down, this is the cleanest restaurant we've been to for this column. There's an open kitchen; the cooks wear masks and hairnets, and the waiters wear gloves. The music is in the background, not in the foreground. I think the price is just a little high, but the service is good. You know I'm pretty picky about the shit I eat. [Yeah, we noticed.—Ed.] I would rather eat this than McDonalds."

Master Kang's Chef Table
City Center Mansion 1F, 86 Renmin Nan Lu, Sect. 1 人民南路一段86号城市之心大厦1楼 Tel. 86203636 Other locations on the ground floors of: Shuhan Lu Auchan; the Wanda Square Ito Yokado; Chicony on Chunxi Lu; Century Computer City; and the Ito Yokado at the Sunshine New Life Square near Jianshe Lu. Open 9 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Wifi available.

Have you had a fast-food-from-hell experience in Chengdu? Do you want to send Dandoval there? E-mail the name and location of your suggested torture chamber to chengdoo [AT] gmail [DOT] com and we might feature it in a future issue.

For the record, this column was all Dandoval's idea, and he eagerly volunteered to participate in its creation before he thought better of the idea. Contrary to appearances, no Dandovals were harmed in the making of this page.

This article by was first published in CHENGDOO citylife Magazine, issue 49 ("the board game issue"). Photos and commentary byhttp://www.dansandoval.com#.

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